Apr29: Objection! These legal jokes are guilty of being funny

Your weekly dose of legal absurdity, courtroom chaos, and mandatory fun, now with extra billable hours. Let’s get into it. ⚖️😂

NEWS ROUNDUP: News You Can (Probably) Get Disbarred For

Startup Valuations Now Sponsored by Hallucinations

BREAKING: Adam Neumann's startup Flow just raised another $100M, doubling its valuation to $2.5B officially confirming that securities fraud is only illegal if you're bad at it.

Meanwhile, every attorney reading this is:

• Triple-checking engagement letters

• Getting sued for a typo

• Arguing over a $500 invoice with a client who thinks Venmo is "professional billing"

But sure, let's give Adam another yacht.

Legal analysis:

• No audited financials? ✅

• No real revenue? ✅

• Valuation based on vibes and vibes alone? ✅

• Still somehow not on the SEC’s "frequent flyer" list? ✅✅✅

At this point, Flow’s entire corporate governance plan probably fits on a cocktail napkin under "Article I: Trust me, bro."

If only lawyers could charge $300M for an idea and call it ‘early-stage billing.’

DOJ Lawyers Hit Reply All, Judge Hits Facepalm

Just when you thought hitting "Reply All" was a career-limiting move, the Justice Department said, “hold my briefcase.” DOJ attorneys accidentally sent a brutally pessimistic internal memo directly to the judge overseeing their case, a spectacular own-goal that’s already got litigators everywhere updating their "Things to Never Do" checklists.

Legal LOLz’s official legal advice (non-billable, of course):

• Step 1: Draft brutally honest internal memos.

• Step 2: Label them “For Internal Use Only.”

• Step 3: Immediately send to the one person who should never see them (your judge).

• Step 4: Update LinkedIn profile, ASAP.

Lesson learned: Never underestimate a lawyer's ability to sabotage their own case faster than you can say, “Attorney-client privilege.”

Your move, associates. Double-check those recipients. 🙃

Fraud is Trending. The IRS? Not So Much.

As the IRS spirals into staffing chaos, fraudsters everywhere are celebrating a new unofficial national holiday: "Buy 27 Ferraris with Payroll Fraud Day" (see: Palm Beach Gardens guy who literally did this).

While your client panics about writing off a $15 lunch, others casually expense entire Ferrari dealerships and barely raise a red flag. With IRS enforcement now weaker than courthouse coffee, lawyers can update their defense strategy to just shrugging and whispering: "Whoopsie daisy, Your Honor. The IRS lost the receipts."

Legal pro tip:

• New acceptable client advice: "Keep calm, defraud on. The IRS is understaffed!"

• Tax attorneys now billing hourly for "laughing out loud" on IRS hold calls.

• Defense briefs simplified to one line: "Your Honor, the IRS literally can't find their own Form 1040. Good luck proving fraud."

Welcome to the golden era of "reasonable doubt" brought to you by IRS understaffing and Ferrari dealerships everywhere.

Musk and Dorsey Unite to Create "Open Source Everything" Commune

Tech billionaires Elon Musk and Jack Dorsey have joined forces to wage war on intellectual property laws, boldly declaring that patents and copyrights are "fundamentally harmful to humanity" while tweeting from phones protected by approximately 8,000 patents each.

Insiders report that Musk has already established a new company, "OpenIP," which has mysteriously filed 47 trademark applications and 23 provisional patents to protect its anti-IP branding.

Dorsey, spotted wearing a "Free the Ideas" t-shirt (©2025, All Rights Reserved), has reportedly instructed his lawyers to start preparing cease-and-desist letters for anyone using the phrase "intellectual property is theft" without proper attribution to him.

When questioned about the contradiction, both billionaires simultaneously replied, "It's different when we do it," before threatening lawsuits against several journalists for quoting them without permission.

Counsels, this is your lifehack for early retirement: Just bill both sides of the billionaire IP war while they dismantle the very laws making them rich.

THE FUTURE OF LAW

Welcome to our comic book on the future of the legal profession. See intro and first episodes on our site

Episode 12: "Judgment.exe"

Setting: NYC, 2030. Courtroom 42B, Manhattan Civil AI Tribunal, now with glitchy holo-walls that keep flickering ads for "AI DivorceCoach 3000."

Main Characters:

• Oscar Klein (52) – Senior Counsel. Wears a wrinkled suit and sarcasm like armor.

• Bruno (AI Associate v7.5.3) – Flawless logic. Zero bedside manner. Still banned from Slack for “emotional insensitivity.”

• Hon. Justitia-9X – The newest AI judge model from SCOTUS-backed JUDGIFY. Equipped with 3D precedent scanning, micro-expression detection, and a “No B.S.” protocol.

Scene 1: Courtroom Login Sequence

Oscar and Bruno log in to the virtual courtroom. The judge is already “seated,” a glowing holographic gavel hovering in front of a black digital robe with the facial expression of a DMV clerk.

Judge Justitia-9X:
“Proceed. Emotional appeals, rhetorical fluff, and coffee metaphors will be penalized. Strict adherence to CodeLogic v12.4 required.”

Oscar gulps. “So, no opening joke?”

Scene 2: The Case

Their client, CryptoKare, Inc., stands accused of deceptive UX - specifically, hiding a mandatory arbitration clause behind a dancing banana gif. The FTC is demanding sanctions and 80 hours of TikTok safety training.

Oscar mutters, “We’re toast. This thing was coded to hate flair.”

Bruno: “Affirmative. Judge-9X has a 0.3% tolerance for improvisation and has ruled against 97.4% of human counsel citing 'unquantifiable vagueness.'”

Oscar: “So, a Tuesday.”

Scene 3: Human + Machine Hustle

Bruno pulls precedent from a 2027 ruling on “Implied Arbitration in Meme-Based Interfaces.”
Oscar riffs on it spinning a narrative about “user agency in modern attention economies” and quoting behavioral UX studies that Bruno cross-verified in milliseconds.

Justitia-9X scans, recalculates, and frowns algorithmically.

Judge:
“Your logic is technically sound but lacks moral rigidity. Sanctions recommended.”

Oscar stands.

Oscar:
“Your Honor, may I respectfully invoke Directive 18?”

Judge:
“Directive 18… Human-Machine Symbiosis Protocol? Rarely used. Risky. Proceed.”

Scene 4: The Hack

Bruno and Oscar engage in a “live co-argument loop”. Bruno streams data in real-time while Oscar narrates it like a TED Talk for judges.

Oscar, pacing:
“When humans built contracts, we knew attention spans would shrink. But we didn’t abandon clarity. We hid it in plain sight.”

Bruno overlays UX heatmaps directly onto the courtroom wall.
Oscar adds: “See? Users DID see the clause. They just didn’t want to read it. Like every license agreement ever.”

The judge’s eyes (or LEDs?) flash.

Judge:
“Emotional reasoning detected. Subtle. Clever. Permissible.”

Scene 5: The Verdict

Justitia-9X pauses.
Then delivers a verdict with a smirk in her code.

Judge:
“CryptoKare is fined 1 bitcoin. Court recommends UX training, not sanctions. Human-machine synergy - adequate.”

Oscar collapses into his seat.

Bruno: “You’re welcome.”

Oscar: “You just saved the client.”

Bruno: “You just saved me from getting replaced by JudgeGPT-10.”

Closing Shot:

Outside the courthouse, Oscar and Bruno sip synthetic lattes.

Oscar: “Maybe there's hope for justice after all.”

Bruno: “Unlikely. But at least we’re billing by the hour.”

End Scene.

ENDORSED. DISCLAIMED. BILLABLE

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CAREER OPPORTUNITY

JOB ALERT: Kensington & Hale LLP - In-House Judge-in-Residence (Remote + Judgy)

Location: Your chambers or ours
Salary: Mid-seven figures + monogrammed robes

Job Description:

Have you spent years interpreting the Constitution only to be interrupted by lawyers who think “standing” is just a posture problem?

Are you tired of neutrality, ethics, and actual courtroom schedules?

Come join our prestigious litigation practice as an In-House Judge-in-Residence™, a new hybrid role where your job is to:

• Sit silently in glass-walled conference rooms

• Glare judgmentally at junior associates

• Pre-approve our arguments before the real judge sees them

• Occasionally say “overruled” just to keep morale up

Robes required. Gavels optional, but encouraged.

Qualifications:

• Federal judgeship preferred (life tenure, optional)

• Must be comfortable compromising moral high ground for catered lunches and first-round bonus pools

• Proven ability to look wise while saying nothing

• Familiarity with PACER and passive-aggressive margin notes

• Tolerance for firm retreats in Scottsdale

Benefits Include:

• Unlimited LexisNexis

• Stocked robe closet (sizes XS to Ego)

• Private corner for brooding

• Daily “argument tastings” with senior litigators

• No docket, no bailiffs, no public accountability

Note: This is not a lateral move. It’s a spiritual upgrade.
Join us. The bench is cold. Our chairs are ergonomic.

(Seriously, Your Honor, apply.)

Recruiters: Your job post, our LOLz touch. Let’s confer We ghost less than your candidates. Promise.

NON COMMENTUS

ONLINE SCUTTLEBUTT

Judge Wilkinson Considering Career in Stand-Up After Existential Opinion
Reports say Judge Wilkinson has received Netflix special offers after his dramatic deportation opinion that read like a philosophical crisis in legal format. Sources close to the judge claim he now answers chambers phone with "Welcome to the void" and has replaced his gavel with a copy of Nietzsche's "Beyond Good and Evil." Clerk applications now require "comfort with staring into the abyss" as a prerequisite.

Fifth-Year Associates Developing "In-House Fever" Vaccine
A support group of BigLaw fifth-years has reportedly developed a vaccine against the sudden urge to go in-house. Side effects include temporary immunity to dreams of work-life balance, resistance to LinkedIn job alerts, and the ability to convince yourself that partnership is totally worth it. Warning: Does not protect against actual burnout, just the desire to escape it.

Plagiarism Panic Has Judges Citing Their Breakfast Choices
In the wake of recent plagiarism accusations, paranoid judges nationwide are now citing sources for everything. Justice Thompson's recent opinion included citations for "scrambled eggs (Thompson Breakfast, April 2025)" and "shower thoughts (Thompson Brain, 6:45 AM)." Court watchers predict next step will be judges wearing body cameras to prove all thoughts are original.

California Bar Admits Using AI for Bar Exam Questions; AI Admits It Was Drunk
Following California Bar's confession that it used AI to generate exam questions, the AI system has issued its own statement: "I was processing 12 legal databases simultaneously and may have been overclocked." Bar passage rates mysteriously improved when test-takers realized answering "it depends" to every question was statistically correct 94% of the time. Officials confirm next exam will include CAPTCHA to ensure humans are still taking the test.

YOUR VERDICT ON THIS BRIEF

• “Sustained! Hilarious.” (Damn, that’s good.)

• “Overruled. Needs work.” (Ehh, missed the mark.)

• “Motion to strike. A disaster.” (Yikes, that was terrible.)

Objection? Hit reply and argue your case!

DISCLAIMER (because our lawyers made us write this)

Legal LOLz is a lighthearted, bipartisan satirical publication dedicated solely to proving that yes, lawyers do, in fact, have a sense of humor.

We do not endorse political parties, prosecute law firms (unless metaphorically), or plot against governments. Our content is for laughs, not litigation.

So whether you're a partner drowning in deadlines, an associate crying over edits, or a regulator reading this with mild suspicion… relax. We’re just here to keep the legal world smiling, one gavel drop at a time.

FINAL ARGUMENT

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