- Legal LOLz
- Posts
- Apr8: Objection! These legal jokes are guilty of being funny
Apr8: Objection! These legal jokes are guilty of being funny
Caveat emptor: You might object but you WILL laugh
In partnership with
Your weekly dose of legal absurdity, courtroom chaos, and mandatory fun—now with extra billable hours. Let’s get into it. ⚖️😂
NEWS ROUNDUP: News You Can (Probably) Get Disbarred For
Trump’s 2025 tantrum turned Big Law into a piñata, swinging executive orders like a drunk uncle at a wedding. Security clearances? Poof. Federal building access? Nope. Government contracts? Kaput. All because some top-tier firms had the gall to lawyer against the Don. It’s less “justice” and more “you cross me, I pee on your billables.”
Over 500 firms morphed into a legal Voltron, filing a brief hollering “constitutional crisis!”—half for principle, half for the sweet, sweet hourly rate. Others played footsie with the White House, trading pro bono truckloads and policy bonfires for a truce.
The bar’s split: sue Trump’s toupee off or smooch the ring to keep the FedEx guy coming. Grab the popcorn—this legal orgy’s too wild for decorum.
Buckle up, legal eagles—2025 is serving up a repair revolution hotter than a partner’s temper after missing a filing deadline. The "Right to Repair" movement is steamrolling ahead, and it’s got manufacturers sweating like first-years at a bar exam. From tractors to Teslas, the feds and states are cracking down, and we’re here for the chaos with a side of schadenfreude.
First, the FTC and some plucky AGs from Illinois and Minnesota sucker-punched Deere & Co. in January, alleging they’ve been hogging repair software like it’s the last donut in the break room. Farmers can’t fix their own damn tractors because Deere’s gatekeeping the digital keys—imagine billing 300 hours to tighten a bolt you can’t even reach. The lawsuit’s a glorious middle finger to corporate control freaks, and we’re betting the discovery phase will unearth emails juicier than a BigLaw gossip thread.
Then, New York’s lawmakers dropped the Electronic Repairs Scores Act in February, forcing gadget makers to slap a repairability score on their toys—1 to 10, like a Yelp review for your iPhone’s guts. Picture it: “Samsung Galaxy, 8/10, fixes easy but cries if you sneeze on it.” Inspired by the French (yes, those baguette-wielding rebels), it’s a consumer win that’ll have manufacturers scrambling faster than a junior associate dodging doc review.
And in Massachusetts, a federal judge just greenlit a vehicle data access law, letting indie shops poke around your car’s brain. Goodbye, dealership monopolies; hello, greasy-handed freedom. It’s a win for the little guy—and a reminder that even in 2025, nothing gets attorneys harder than a good antitrust brawl. Now, pass the popcorn; this repair rodeo’s just getting started.
The gig economy’s golden boys, Uber and Lyft, are in hot water again, and this time it’s a billion-dollar brawl. California’s alleging these ride-hail giants stiffed drivers out of billions in wages—yes, with a ‘B’—and now settlement talks are grinding into gear. Drivers are fed up, and attorneys are salivating over a case juicier than a law firm’s holiday party.
Back in 2020, over 5,000 drivers slammed the companies with claims of misclassification and wage theft, saying they were denied overtime, mileage, and benefits while Uber and Lyft hid behind the "independent contractor" shield.
Fast forward to March 31, 2025: mediation’s underway, and Rideshare Drivers United estimates 250,000 drivers could cash in. The state’s pushing for back pay and better conditions, while the companies clutch their $200 million Prop 22 war chest like a security blanket. Buckle up—this one’s gonna be a bumpy ride.
The wage-and-hour gods have spoken, and employers are clutching their pearls facing the latest headache: proving your white-collar workers are exempt from overtime under the FLSA. Spoiler: it’s not as easy as slapping “manager” on a nameplate anymore, and the stakes are higher than a billable hour target.
Since January 1, 2025, execs, admins, and pros need to rake in $1,128 a week—$58,656 a year—to dodge overtime pay, up from last year’s measly $844. The U.S. Supreme Court’s Carrera ruling says employers only need a “preponderance of evidence” to win, not the Fourth Circuit’s old “clear and convincing” guillotine.
Still, misclassify your crew, and you’re staring down class-action hell—think penalties juicier than a partner’s bonus. State laws might even crank the screws tighter, so good luck keeping that exemption defense tighter than a law school outline.
ONLINE SCUTTLEBUTT (what lawyers really think)
AI: the robot overlords are here, and they suck at motions
Lawyers in online private attorney chat rooms are losing their shit over AI tools that promise to save time but deliver hot garbage instead. One poor bastard’s moaning about “an AI-drafted brief so bad it cited Star Wars as precedent—Judge wasn’t amused, but I’d kill for a lightsaber in depo.”
Another’s crowing, “Caught my bot assistant billing for ‘emotional support’—it’s dumber than my last paralegal, and that’s saying something.”
The vibe? Half these desk jockeys think AI’s a job-stealing Terminator, while the rest are begging it to crash their firm’s server just for a day off—either way, it’s a tech circus with no ringmaster.
Micromanaging partners: death by a thousand passive-aggressive cuts
Partners are the chat room boogeymen, tormenting associates with nitpicks that’d make a dictator blush. One attorney’s raging, “Mine rewrote my email to say ‘kindly’ five times—now the client thinks I’m a Stepford wife on Xanax.”
Another’s fuming, “He looms over my desk correcting my font size—12-point Times New Roman’s fine, you psycho, I’m not drafting the Magna Carta!”
These control freaks turn quick wins into soul-sucking marathons, and the online crew’s plotting revenge—think paper cuts or “accidentally” CC’ing the whole firm on partner’s next “you’re mediocre” rant.
The art of lawyerly trash talk: when ego meets insecurity
In the hallowed halls of legal forums, attorneys have turned trash-talking each other into an Olympic sport.
From critiquing a colleague's courtroom demeanor ("he gets flustered in front of the judge") to questioning their grasp of the law ("she doesn't really understand the law"), no flaw is too minor to magnify.
It's as if the Socratic method has been replaced by the Roastmaster General. One weary observer lamented, "I'm tired of all the shit-talking."
THE FUTURE OF LAW
Episode 9: "Poachapalooza"
Setting: NYC, 2030. Goldstein, Patel & McCormick LLP – where prestige hires get NDAs, and egos get non-competes.
Main Characters:
Oscar Klein (52) – Senior Counsel. Human. Exhausted, bagel-dependent.
Bruno (AI Associate, v7.5.3) – Legal savant. Social skills of a malfunctioning toaster.
Lisa Goldstein – Managing Partner. Sharp suits, sharper tongue.
Janet Feng – Senior Recruiter. Legend. Once convinced a Cravath partner to switch firms using only a scented candle and a LinkedIn DM.
Sasha Vega – Legal Assistant. Mild-mannered. Master of deadlines, tantrums, and digital disaster containment.
Zayden Wolfe – Target recruit. Wachtell pedigree. Skull ring. Allegedly allergic to fluorescent lighting.
Plot:
10:02 AM. Oscar and Bruno are perched in Conference Room B (aka The Poaching Pit™), prepping for the “soft touch” intro with Zayden Wolfe, the BigLaw golden boy with a 10-figure book and a 10-year attitude.
Oscar flips through Zayden’s résumé. “Did he really sue his own law school for not offering oat milk?”
Bruno replies flatly: “He won.”
Lisa storms in with Janet Feng, who’s dressed like a Vogue cover and walking like she just closed a $10M lateral.
Lisa: “Oscar, Bruno—do not mess this up. Zayden’s already turned down Kirkland, Quinn, and a Tesla-funded boutique called Elon & Elkowitz.”
Janet, smiling: “It’s fine. Just be normal. Don’t quote Latin. Don’t show him the breakroom.”
Bruno: “Define ‘normal.’”
Lisa: “Less Bruno. More breathing.”
Enter Zayden Wolfe.
Blazer: velvet.
Voice: bored.
Energy: jazz funeral for a tax lawyer.
Zayden: “So. Why this firm?”
Oscar, sweating: “Um. Culture?”
Bruno: “We boast a 99.7% doc review accuracy rate and full support for your mushroom-based nootropics regimen.”
Zayden: “Meh. What’s your stand on associates crying in elevators?”
Oscar: “Depends. Client-induced or bonus-related?”
Zayden: “Yes.”
Zayden yawns, texts “mid af” to his agent, and leaves.
Oscar slumps. Bruno runs diagnostics for “career-ending embarrassment.”
Lisa’s eyes go nuclear. “I said DON’T MESS THIS UP. He’s posting on LinkedIn as we speak.”
But Janet Feng just sips her iced matcha and smiles.
“She’ll fix it,” Sasha whispers from the hallway.
Oscar: “How?”
Sasha: “Watch.”
Janet disappears for 14 minutes. Returns holding Zayden’s signed offer letter, a tote bag, and his cat.
Lisa blinks. “What did you do?”
Janet shrugs: “Told him our firm vibe is ‘chaotic stable.’ Gave him a candle. Let him monologue about his gluten trauma.”
Bruno: “Remarkable. She performed social manipulation without code.”
Oscar hands Janet his coffee in awe. “You’re like a lawyer whisperer.”
Janet: “Please. This was easier than flipping that Skadden lifer. He only required a kombucha stipend and an NDA shaped like a haiku.”
Closing Scene:
Zayden moves into his new office with three mood lamps and a neon sign that says “Vibes Are Billable.”
Lisa raises Janet’s bonus by 30%.
Oscar finally exhales.
Bruno updates his neural network:
Note: Recruiters may possess borderline sorcery.
Janet winks at Sasha. “Next target: Latham. Send the memes.”
End Scene.
CAREER OPPORTUNITY
JOB ALERT: Kensington & Hale LLP - Attorney Whisperer (Atlanta Edition): Can you tame legal primadonnas?
Are you a recruiting rockstar who can spot a top-tier attorney from a mile away, even when they’re hiding behind a $5,000 suit and a superiority complex? Do you thrive on the thrill of wooing rainmakers who bill more per hour than most people make in a month? If you can handle egos bigger than a class-action lawsuit and still smile through the chaos, Kensington & Hale’s Atlanta office is calling your name!
Position: Senior Law Firm Recruiter – Primadonna Acquisition & Containment Unit
Location: Atlanta, GA (where the traffic is a crime, but the legal talent is hotter than a Georgia summer)
Compensation: Competitive… plus a "finders fee" for every superstar partner you lure away from the competition, a little kickback for each multi-million dollar book.
Hours: Technically 9–6, but emotionally 24/7. Our top prospect once demanded a Zoom interview from his salt cave in Iceland.
Perks:
“Elite talent pool” (you’ll be recruiting attorneys who’ve argued before the Supreme Court—and won’t let you forget it).
“High-stakes negotiations” (aka convincing a partner their corner office needs to be slightly smaller than their ego).
"High-profile networking" (schmoozing at exclusive events, pretending to care about yacht ownership, and trading legal gossip with billionaires).
“Travel perks” (jet off to law school career fairs where you’ll fight Big Law vultures for the top 1% of the class).
“Executive search” (you, lurking on LinkedIn at 3am with a glass of wine, DMing a partner at Skadden like a romantic threat).
“Collaborative culture” (where partners scream “find me someone better” while rejecting Columbia grads for using Comic Sans on a cover letter).
“Team-building events” (weekly crying circle, catered).
"Creative incentive packages" (crafting bespoke compensation deals that involve signing bonuses, private jet access, and naming rights to associate break rooms).
Branded taser for legal career fairs.
One (1) emotional support intern of your choosing.
Must-Haves:
Bachelor's degree (law degree a plus, but the ability to bullshit like a lawyer is non-negotiable).
3+ years of recruiting, headhunting, or stalking people with six-figure debt.
Knows what BigLaw attorneys really want (spoiler: money, validation, and espresso).
Can seduce a Yale Law grad without blinking or promising partnership.
Must be fluent in passive aggression and noncommittal emails.
Discretion is vital (what happens in Vegas… stays in Vegas… unless it’s leveraged for a better signing bonus).
Ability to juggle 17 LinkedIn messages, 9 voicemails, and a partner’s meltdown over a “subpar” offer letter—all before your first coffee.
Unmatched persuasive abilities (can convince a Harvard Law grad that working 80-hour weeks for less than a million dollars is a good deal).
Thick skin (because that hotshot litigator will definitely ghost you after you’ve spent weeks courting them).
Sense of humor required (because if you can’t laugh at a partner’s meltdown over a missing Oxford comma in their bio, you’ll be crying in the supply closet).
Bonus Points If You:
Experience surviving OCI.
Can pronounce “Debevoise” without hesitation.
Willing to fake enthusiasm when a fifth-year associate says, “I’m looking for a firm that respects work-life balance.”
Apply now! Join Kensington & Hale's Atlanta team and help us assemble a galaxy of legal superstars. Because in the South, like any other part of the world, talent is as important as ever.
(Seriously, apply. Our managing partner in Atlanta just lost a star attorney to a rival firm because they offered a personal espresso machine, and we need you to stop the bleeding. Also, the espresso machine budget is now your problem!)
Recruiters: Your job post, our LOLz touch. We’ll make best legal talent laugh hard and apply fast. Let’s confer (We ghost less than your candidates. Promise.)
SPONSOR PROMO
Image not found
Join over 4 million Americans who start their day with 1440 – your daily digest for unbiased, fact-centric news. From politics to sports, we cover it all by analyzing over 100 sources. Our concise, 5-minute read lands in your inbox each morning at no cost. Experience news without the noise; let 1440 help you make up your own mind. Sign up now and invite your friends and family to be part of the informed.
NON COMMENTUS
YOUR VERDICT
“Sustained! Hilarious.” (Damn, that’s good.)
“Overruled. Needs work.” (Ehh, missed the mark.)
“Motion to strike. A disaster.” (Yikes, that was terrible.)
Objection? Hit reply and argue your case!
FINAL ARGUMENT
Your inbox is full of legal briefs and client rants. Let Legal LOLz be the newsletter you actually look forward to reading.
P.S. This newsletter is 100% billable if you read it on the clock. Just saying.
P.P.S. Sponsor us: we’re funny. If your brand belongs here (or if you’re just brave), learn more about sponsoring.
© 2025 All rights reserved. Sharing is cool. Stealing? That’s a tort, not a tribute.
FOLLOW THE CASE
Reply