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- Objection! These lawyer jokes are guilty of being funny
Objection! These lawyer jokes are guilty of being funny
Caveat emptor: You might object but you WILL laugh
Happy Friday, Masters of the Fine Print. Let’s roll with our top laughable (oops, legal) briefs for the week!
EDITORIAL
In this corner, we have the Foreign Corrupt Practices Act (FCPA)—the decades-old killjoy of international business deals, keeping U.S. executives from indulging in a little light bribery the way our global competitors do. And in the other corner, Donald J. Trump, who just declared a pause on enforcing FCPA violations because, apparently, the real problem with the American economy is that CEOs don’t have enough slush funds.
The message? Forget innovation, forget market competition, and forget regulatory compliance—just slide an extra “consulting fee” across the table and call it capitalism.
The corporate world’s reaction? An unholy mix of confusion, excitement, and lawyers drafting memos at 2am. Corporate attorneys are wondering if they should rewrite compliance policies or just burn them altogether and call it “streamlining.” Meanwhile, international anti-bribery watchdogs are spitting out their coffee because the U.S. just went from “global enforcer of business ethics” to “that one friend who says, ‘If no one saw it, it didn’t happen.’”
But let’s be honest—this isn’t just about bribery; it’s about rebranding. "Bribery" sounds so… criminal, doesn’t it? But "facilitation payments"? "Expedited processing fees"? Now that sounds like a luxury service package.
So, what happens next? Will corporate America embrace its new-found freedom to grease palms like a used-car salesman at a police auction? Will compliance departments mysteriously disappear overnight like a dissenting opinion in a Supreme Court leak? Or will some unlucky CEO test the limits of this “pause” and find out the hard way that federal prosecutors didn’t get the memo?
One thing’s for sure: White-collar defense lawyers just became the hottest ticket in town. If you haven’t already, now’s the time to triple your retainer fees and start drafting those “Oops, my client misunderstood the law” defense strategies.
The game has changed, folks. Welcome to FCPA-Free America—where if you’re not bribing, you’re not trying hard enough.
#BusinessAsUsual #ComplianceIsForSuckers #FacilitationFeeOrBribe?
What’s Happening: TikTok has asked the Supreme Court to block a law that would ban the platform in the U.S. if its Chinese parent company doesn't sell it.
Our Take: Imagine telling your teenage daughter that her favorite dance app is now a matter of national security. "No, honey, it's not about your privacy settings; it's about geopolitical cyber espionage. Now finish your broccoli."
Why It Matters: Tech lawyers, get ready to argue that lip-syncing to Beyoncé isn't a threat to democracy. And maybe brush up on your Renegade dance—courtroom demonstrations could be the future of legal persuasion.
What’s Happening: Missouri is gearing up to launch legal online sports betting by December 1, 2025, with major platforms like FanDuel and DraftKings expected to secure licenses.
Our Take: Finally, a way to lose your money that doesn't involve student loans or alimony payments. Time to brush up on your sports knowledge—or just pick teams based on mascot cuteness.
Why It Matters: Gaming lawyers, get ready for a flood of clients who "didn't read the terms and conditions." And remember, when the house always wins, so do the attorneys.
What’s Happening: A Texas lawsuit is challenging the legality of mailing abortion pills across state lines, putting state shield laws to the test.
Our Take: Who knew the USPS would become the battleground for reproductive rights? "Neither snow nor rain nor heat nor legal injunction stays these couriers from the swift completion of their appointed rounds... of delivering controversy."
Why It Matters: Health law attorneys, brace yourselves for cases that combine the thrill of constitutional debate with the mundanity of shipping regulations. And maybe invest in some aspirin; you're going to need it.
When the Texas judge said he’d ‘review all the evidence’ in the abortion pill case, nobody expected this level of commitment
What’s Happening: Prominent U.S. law firm Vinson & Elkins is opening a new office in Denver, attracted by the city's burgeoning energy, technology, and real estate sectors. Key partners are relocating to establish the firm's presence in this growing market.
Our Take: Trading cowboy boots for ski boots, V&E is ready to conquer the Wild West of legal markets. Yeehaw meets après-ski.
Why It Matters: Corporate and real estate lawyers, take note. Denver's legal landscape is heating up, and competition is on the rise.
Vinson & Elkins' Denver office partners arriving for their first client meeting: Half corporate law, half ski patrol, 100% billable.
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The Future of Law
Episode 1: "The AI Knows Best (Or So It Thinks)"
The Situation:
Oscar’s first case with Bruno involves a breach of contract dispute—a client claims their business partner failed to deliver a shipment of "synthetic emotional support cats."
Bruno analyzes the case in 0.3 seconds and generates a 200-page legal brief. Oscar, ever skeptical, demands a human touch.
Oscar: “Bruno, this is too complex. A real lawyer needs to argue this.”
Bruno: “Correction: A competent real lawyer. But fine. What would you do differently?”
Oscar: “For starters, I’d add a personal touch.”
Bruno: “Personal touch? Like using Comic Sans?”
After an hour of Oscar reworking Bruno’s perfect brief, the AI recalculates.
Bruno: “My apologies. I ran a reanalysis. Your version is now 7% less effective. Congratulations.”
Oscar: “…”
The Outcome:
Oscar refuses to use Bruno’s version, presents his own, loses the case. The AI predicts the loss before the judge even finishes reading it.
Bruno files an internal efficiency report against Oscar.
Oscar's Lesson? AI may know the law, but it still doesn’t know how to suffer like a real lawyer.
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In Closing: Our Final Argument
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P.S. This newsletter is 100% billable if you read it on the clock. Just saying.
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