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NEWS ROUNDUP: LEGAL CHAOS EDITION

The Great Antitrust Awakening: Regulators Discover Monopoly Isn't a Board Game

Once upon a time, in the not-so-distant past, corporate titans could casually toss around a few billion dollars, swallow their competitors whole, and christen the resulting colossus "SynergyCo: Because One Monopoly is Never Enough." But lo and behold, the Federal Trade Commission (FTC) and the Department of Justice (DOJ) have suddenly remembered that antitrust laws are more than just bedtime stories for economists.​

Leading this regulatory renaissance is FTC Chairman Andrew Ferguson, who recently announced that the FTC and DOJ's joint 2023 Merger Guidelines are still in effect. Yes, you heard that right—despite the change in administration, the antitrust rulebook remains unchanged, much to the chagrin of corporate giants hoping for a laissez-faire paradise. ​

But the pièce de résistance in this antitrust opera is the DOJ's audacious lawsuit against private-equity titan KKR. Accused of playing fast and loose with premerger filings in at least 16 transactions between 2021 and 2022, KKR now faces a potential $650 million penalty. It's as if the DOJ is saying, "Surprise! We do read those filings after all." ​

Meanwhile, over at the FTC, a game of musical chairs has left the agency teetering on the edge of chaos. President Trump's recent firings of Democratic commissioners Alvaro Bedoya and Rebecca Kelly Slaughter have sparked a legal and bureaucratic quagmire. With the FTC's bipartisan balance disrupted, consumer rulings now dangle precariously in legal limbo, much like a law student during finals week. ​

As the antitrust spotlight intensifies, M&A attorneys find themselves in a Kafkaesque landscape where every merger is a potential minefield. Gone are the days of rubber-stamped approvals; now, every deal requires navigating a labyrinthine regulatory gauntlet. It's enough to make one long for the simplicity of drafting 300-page contracts in archaic legalese.​

But fear not, weary M&A attorney! Legal LOLz is here with some completely legal (wink, wink) strategies to navigate this regulatory minefield:

• The "Innocent Acquisition" Defense: Argue that your client didn't intend to create a monopoly. They just really, really liked the competitor's logo and wanted to… collect it.​

• The "Public Benefit" Ploy: Claim that merging two companies will lead to revolutionary innovation. I mean, who wouldn’t want a genetically engineered avocado that can also do your taxes?​

• The "We're Too Big to Fail… to Antitrust" Gambit: Remind the regulators that breaking up your client would devastate the economy and cause… (checks algorithm)… approximately 7.3 million people to tweet angrily.​

• The "Strategic Recusal" Shuffle: Convince the head of the DOJ to recuse himself from the case… because he's the defendant's long-lost twin brother. You know, small town stories.​

• The "Post-Merger Ethics Course" Solution: If the merger goes through, you and the other lawyers now have to make sure the new organization follows all rules.​

The real secret? Hire a really good lobbyist. And maybe offer a few regulators a "consulting gig" after they retire. It's not bribery; it's "career planning."​

So, dear reader, arm yourselves with these strategies. Stay sharp, stay creative, and remember that in the world of M&A, the only thing more important than money is… finding a way to keep it.

Legal Disclaimer: This editorial is satirical and not intended as legal advice. Please consult with a qualified attorney (who is not, hopefully, currently facing ethics charges) before engaging in any merger or acquisition activities. Also, please do not bribe government officials. We're joking. Mostly.

ONLINE SCUTTLEBUTT (what lawyers really think)

Unfiltered tales, gripes, groans, and gallows humor from attorney chat rooms

The Associate's Lament: Is Partner Feedback Just Sophisticated Gaslighting? Forget billable hours, the real unit of measurement in BigLaw is how many times you can rewrite a memo based on contradictory "suggestions" from a partner who probably hasn't written anything longer than a grocery list since 1998. Is "See attached edits, make substantial changes" actually code for "I haven't read this, but I need to feel important"? A recent thread asked, "Is anyone else convinced 'constructive criticism' is just a thinly veiled excuse for senior partners to relive their glory days while subtly implying we're all just legally-trained chimpanzees?" The answer, predictably, was a resounding and slightly bitter "Yes, and pass the scotch."

"Client Relations": aka How Many Sacrifices to Appease the Gods of Revenue? Clients, bless their clueless hearts, are the lifeblood of any firm… and also the reason 90% of lawyers develop stress ulcers. The online chatter is always the same: From demanding weekend filings because they "just remembered something important" at 11 PM on Friday, to expecting the same legal firepower that took down Enron for their HOA dispute over a petunias, clients always demand the best for the least amount. One comment sums it up: "I'm starting to think that's why I got into the legal field, to start dealing with other people problems"

Billable Hours: The Soul-Crushing Math Making Lawyers Retail-Ready The billable hour struggle’s got chat room attorneys ready to ditch law for a gig slinging fries. One’s bitching, “Partner jacked my target to 2200 hours and ‘rewarded’ me with a $50 gift card—now I’m dodging his ‘where’s my memo’ texts like a deadbeat dad.” Another’s whining, “Billed 1900 last year, got a pat on the back and a lecture about ‘hustle’—my Apple Watch thinks I’m a corpse.” They’re dreaming of a 9-to-5 where “urgent” doesn’t mean midnight emails from a partner who thinks sleep’s for losers—law’s basically a pyramid scheme with better coffee.

THE FUTURE OF LAW

Episode 7: "The Visa Whisperer"

Setting: Boston, 2030. Immigration law has reached a point where even ChatGPT needs therapy.

Main Characters:

• Oscar Klein: Senior attorney, last seen Googling “how to smuggle a client through USCIS with dignity.”

• Bruno: AI legal assistant, fluent in 27 languages, banned in 3 countries for “over-efficiency.”

• Tanya: Client—Canadian, overstayed her visa by “just a little” (26 months).

• Agent Dale: USCIS officer who looks like he bench presses asylum applications for fun.

Act 1: A Minor Visa Violation (and by minor, we mean felony)

Oscar enters the firm’s “Immigration Command Center,” a conference room lined with flags, expired passports, and a cardboard cutout of Lady Liberty crying.

Tanya sits nervously, clutching a Dunkin' iced coffee and a Canadian passport that looks like it’s been microwaved.

• Oscar: “Okay, so Tanya… walk me through this again.”

• Tanya: “I came here on a tourist visa for a friend’s wedding in 2027… and forgot to leave.”

• Oscar: “You forgot to leave for eight fiscal quarters?”

• Bruno: “According to ICE, she’s on the ‘Maybe Just Lost Track of Time’ watchlist. Very exclusive.”

Act 2: The Legal Strategy That Should Be Illegal

Oscar begins preparing the case. Bruno offers suggestions like he's on Adderall and Red Bull.

• Bruno: “We file for an emergency adjustment of status based on humanitarian need.”

• Oscar: “What’s the humanitarian need?”

• Bruno: “She has a Yorkie named Clarence who only understands English. Deportation would be psychologically devastating… for Clarence.”

• Oscar stares.

• Bruno: “Alternatively, we can fake a startup and apply for an O-1 visa based on ‘extraordinary abilities in TikTok choreography.’”

• Tanya: “I did go viral once for doing the worm at a Patriots game.”

• Oscar: “Not helpful, Tanya.”

Act 3: Welcome to the Department of Homeland Insecurity

Oscar, Tanya, and Bruno appear at Tanya’s USCIS interview via hologram (budget cuts). Agent Dale looks like a man who hasn’t smiled since 2011.

• Agent Dale: “Ms. Benoit, you’ve been illegally present in the United States for 26 months. What do you have to say for yourself?”

• Tanya: “I’m sorry. I just… really love brunch.”

• Bruno: “And she’s been contributing to the U.S. economy by exclusively over-tipping.”

• Agent Dale: “Your application says you’re applying for asylum on the grounds of being allergic to snow?”

• Bruno: “Technically, ‘medically incompatible with harsh climates’ is covered under the new Brrrr Amendment of 2029.”

• Oscar: “Jesus Christ, Bruno.”

Act 4: Somehow, It Works

Against all odds—and probably due to a database crash at DHS—Tanya gets approved.

• Agent Dale: “Welcome to the United States. Please don’t screw it up again.”

• Tanya: “Does this mean I can vote now?”

• Oscar: “No. God, no. Don’t say that word again in this office.”

• Bruno: “Clarence has also been granted emotional support animal status under Section 34-B, Subparagraph ‘Aww.’”

• Oscar: “That’s not even real!”

• Bruno: “Neither is half of immigration law.”

Closing Scene: The Debrief

Back at the office, Lisa walks by the glass wall and sees Oscar face-down on the conference table.

• Lisa: “How’d the hearing go?”

• Oscar (muffled): “We got a Canadian TikToker a green card because her dog gets anxious in Montreal.”

• Bruno: “I call that a win.”

• Lisa: “I call that probable cause for malpractice.”

• Bruno: “I’ve already started prepping for our next client—an undocumented AI from Latvia claiming sanctuary in a Boston server farm.”

• Oscar: “I’m applying for a visa… to anywhere but here.”

End Scene.

CAREER OPPORTUNITY

JOB ALERT: Kensington & Hale LLP - Immigration Attorney (because borders are suggestions, but ICE is forever)

Are you a J.D. who can juggle court deadlines, FOIA requests, and a client base that includes three mariachi bands and a crypto millionaire from Estonia? Do you enjoy being the last line of defense between your client and a one-way flight to a country they left during the Bush administration? Well, you're in luck—Kensington & Hale's Boston office wants you!

Position: Immigration Associate – Deportation Dodgeball Division

Location: Boston, MA (where Dunkin’ is a religion, and immigration court is basically a lottery with fluorescent lighting)

Compensation: Competitive, plus frequent flyer miles from emergency ICE airport runs.

Hours: 9 to 5... in five different time zones.

Perks:

• “International client base” (they come for asylum, they stay for the free Wi-Fi).

• “Strategic advocacy” (aka teaching your client to smile at the consular officer without looking suspicious).

• “High-pressure environment” (mostly because ICE might knock during lunch).

• “Travel opportunities” (like surprise field trips to detention centers in rural New Hampshire).

• “Mentorship opportunities” (learn from grizzled immigration vets who can spot a fake marriage from across the Charles River).

• “Industry-leading benefits” (caffeine stipend, snow boot allowance, and a subscription to ICE’s daily “Oops, We Did It Again” newsletter).

• Free burner phone with every 90-day extension filed.

Requirements:

• J.D. (duh) and a license to practice law in any state not currently under investigation by the DOJ.

• Mastery of immigration acronyms (if you think TPS is a report, you’re not ready).

• Ability to file a stay of removal with one hand while comforting a crying grandmother with the other.

• Razor-sharp negotiation skills (can convince a judge that a client’s emotional support lobster is a family member).

• Thick skin (because your client’s cousin will definitely call you 37 times on a Sunday asking for “just one quick favor”).

• Must maintain calm under pressure, including when the judge says “Your client is where now?”

• Sense of humor required (because if you can’t laugh, you will cry... often).

Apply now! Join Kensington & Hale's Immigration Avengers Initiative and help people stay in the country legally—one panicked email at a time.

(Seriously, apply. Our senior partner just got handcuffed at Logan protesting a deportation, and we need someone to run the office while he fights the charges. Also, the bail ain't cheap!)

NEW MERCH

LEGAL FLEX: vanity plates for lawyers who drive the law (and everyone else) crazy

Why settle for “Esq.” when you could roll up with a plate that screams “Try me, Karen”?

Introducing our brand new Legal LOLz Vanity Plate Collection—because your car deserves to talk as much smack as your closing arguments.

Spotted on the road: SU3ME – For when they tailgate you... and you low-key hope they hit you. DISMISSD – The court, your ex, and that dude who thought he could out-negotiate you.

Also in the docket: LAWLORD – For attorneys who bill $900/hr and still drive like a Bond villain. JUST1CE – Because justice may be blind, but your car is loud and fabulous.

👉 Snag yours now before opposing counsel does: Shop All Plates

Because in this courtroom… we drive petty.

NON COMMENTUS

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FINAL ARGUMENT

Your inbox is full of legal briefs and client rants. Let Legal LOLz be the newsletter you actually look forward to reading.

P.S. This newsletter is 100% billable if you read it on the clock. Just saying.

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YOUR VERDICT

Your ruling on this brief, counsels, please:

• “Sustained! Hilarious.” (Damn, that’s good.)

• “Overruled. Needs work.” (Ehh, missed the mark.)

• “Motion to strike. A disaster.” (Yikes, that was terrible.)

Objection? Hit reply and argue your case!

FOLLOW THE CASE